BAD-OFF EPISODE VI: BATTLE OF THE GREENY MEANIES

Okay, guys. Now that the Man has bested Mr. Sinister Sideburns himself, the Impossible, it is time for ol' Bikar'Lek to take on a new Bad-Off challenger. Virus. I haven't seen such a green pair since I last looked at the many HulkYoda memes on the interwebs.

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BAD-OFF V: A VICTORY FOR SNA'RSLES EVERYWHERE

Hear ye, hear ye! People of the ever-expanding interwebs! A new Bad-Off champion has been crowned. Bikar'Lek of Briblee, but you know him as... the Man. I believe a victory song is required here. Hit it, Queen!

#154: The Incredible SnowMan!

After a successful several days of jolly posting, the 12 Characterz of Christmas comes to a close. Now, I feel it appropriate to end this thing with the freezing inhabitant of Winter: the snowman. Ladies and gentlemen ... the incredible SnowMan! It's always been said, "Heroes aren't born. They're made." And with this one, such a phrase could not have been taken more literally. Paul Shivers was once simply a snowman sitting in a backyard. But one Christmas Eve - that would be shrouded in legend - as Santa flew over the quiet neighborhood, a sprinkle of magic dust, property of the North Pole, fell upon Paul's head. Having gone all Frosty the Snowman on NoCal, he began to wander through the town on his now-moving feet, until he saw something he had never seen sitting lifeless in the backyard: a bank robber. Amazingly enough, he then witnessed a guy in a cape and spandex take him out, with wams, bams and pows firing on all cylinders. After that point, while other talking snowmen liked to parade with kids through the streets or wish they were in summer, Paul wanted to do something different: fight crime. Now living in his Fortress of Frozen-Solid-tude, he is SnowMan, the December Defender, fighting those who need to be fought. Any other snowman and the criminal gets away clean. Capitalize that S and M and you're done, sucka.

#153: Bells the Elfgineer

Today is the second-to-last day in my 12 Characterz of Christmas, and I've decided to start wrapping things up (accidental pun) with a character suggested by Materna-Tron. Ladies and gentlemen, Bells the Elfgineer! It would be a crime against Christmas to not include the elves, the miniscule workforce of the big guy up north, in this event, and this one happens to have one of the most important jobs an elf can have: Elfgineer. Someone has to design new sleigh models, calculate the right amount of magic dust for the reindeer to fly, etc. etc., and this elfin Einstein is perfect for the job. Equipped with such tools as hammers and candy canes, Bells is a vital gear in the Christmas machine. Never underestimate the power of a few screwdrivers and raw eccentricity.

#152: Rudolph The Rust Nosed Reindroid

Okay, guys. Here's a new Christmas-y character: Rudolph the rust-nosed reindroid. I already told you of the gift-giver of the galaxy, Xanta Klozz. But, as he had heard the tales of Old Saint Nick, Xanta had also heard stories of a reindeer with a nose of red, leading the way for the large man's sleigh. He decided he needed a Rudolph. So, with the various parts he found lying around in his workshop, Xanta constructed the brightly-schnozzed bot you see before you. The guy went all out. He even wrote him a song: 

 
♪ Rudolph the Rust-Nosed Reindroid
Had a very rusty nose
Maybe it was left in the rain long
Nobody really knows
His body's a half can of blorp juice
That Xanta got from the store
His saddle is made of fur from
the friendly pair of yetis next door

E-ver-y December he
Hooks up to the sleigh
And hyper-speeds across the stars
When you've got a reindroid, who needs cars?

He is the robot reindeer
Who's sniffer needs an oil can
He's Rudolph the Rust-Nosed Reindroid
If he can't do it, no one can! ♪

#151: The Ghost of Christmas Future (JC-Verse Edition)

Okay guys. It is time for me to wrap up A Christmas Carol: JC-Verse Edition with a bang: the Ghost of Christmas Future! This classic tale has always essentially been a time travel story. So, when it came time to make this ghost to end all ghosts, I decided to go full time travel. That's right, we're talking post-apocalyptic reality, people! Coming all the way from the 3000s, this Armageddon apparition ends the night by showing Scrooge his effect on the indubitably distant future. If he's mean, then his business protege is taught to be mean. Then his protege is mean, and so on and so forth. Then before you know it, along the series of jerks someone crosses the fine line between mean and evil, and boom. Serious world domination bizz. This sneak preview of society's destruction is the one to really knock some sense into Scrooge, sending him home with a desire to perk up big time. That's right. This Cyclops-spectacled spirit is the one to call. Which you can do with help from the Ghost of Christmas Present, by the way.

#150: The Ghost of Christmas Present (JC-Verse Edition)

Hey, guys. Last night, I watched the '80s gold that is The Goonies. Still trying to coach my dad into doing the Truffle Shuffle. He's trying to stick with no, but I'll break him. Okay, now it is time for another installment of A Christmas Carol: JC-Verse Edition: The Ghost of Christmas Present. So, what better way to represent the present than with the thing everyone has and can't put down. The ol' cell phone. After the Ghost of Christmas Past comes and does his thing most excellently, this iPhone apparition beeps and blips his way to Scrooge's house. This ghost has it all. A camera to take pictures along their journey, his homies up in Heaven on Speed Dial, you name it. Traveling instantly to locations through the "cloud," this Sir-voiced spirit is going to try to teach this guy the error of his ways. In the time before he runs out of charge, that is.

#149: The Ghost of Christmas Past (JC-Verse Edition)

Today, my friends, is my birthday!! I am now 13 years old, officially a teen. But just because I am, doesn't mean I have to act it. Cheers to childishness *clink*. Okay, now it's time for my next Christmas-y character: the Ghost of Christmas Past (JC-Verse style). A Christmas Carol is one of the most classic holiday tales to this date, having been done in every way from frighteningly-realistic- animated Jim Carrey to full-on Muppets. And thanks to some idea suggestions from my mom (Materna-Tron), I bring you a Ghost of Christmas Past representing the best piece of the past I know. That's right. '80s time, people. This totally tubular apparition has come from Beyond to our world for one purpose, besides moon-walking and telling everybody to not stop believing. That purpose is to teach one grumpy-pants in a nightcap to stop Bah-Humbugging all over Christmas. With a boombox held in his transparent hand, the Ghost of Christmas Past takes him to the days filled with florescence and legwarmers, and in which people's hair outweighed their bodies. If that can't make a guy cheer up, I don't know what can.

#148: The Gingerbread Man: Criminal Mastermind

Sorry for posting so late, you guys. Special apologies to the countries, if there are any, that are already to Friday and in which I have skipped a day. Okay, gotta get this one done quick: the Gingerbread Man: criminal mastermind. For more years than hairs that Santa has on his chin, the CIA has hunted one man, an unbeatable criminal genius. No, I'm not talking about Raymond Reddington. We're talking the Gingerbread Man, folks. After making his devious debut in the Confectionery Caper of '72, the cookie king of crime has been on the run, hiding out in local bakeries and posing as popular Shrek side-characters. Hunt me down as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm a cookie on the lamb.

#147: Hymie the Spinning Warrior

Hey, guys. I've done so many characters for Christmas so far, so why not change things up? That's right. Ladies and gentle-menches, I give you Hymie: The Spinning Warrior. Hanukkah, a special time of year where Menorahs are lit and, of course, dreidels are spun. But during Hanukkah, crime drops to a minimum. Criminals are found collapsed upon the ground with a Gimel sign on a sticky note stuck to their forehead. Who is this Hanukkah hero? This 8-day defender? His name is Hymie. He is a dreidel. Having honed his natural ability to spin like crazy through training, the Spinning Warrior hurls through the streets, giving people the gift of a safe Hanukkah. All the baddies run away when the Dreidel made of clay comes to play.

#146: Merry Marvin: The Wreath with a Face

Now that I've bookmarked making my "why Gravity Falls & Once Upon a Time are basically the same show" meme, here's my holly, jolly new character: Merry Marvin: the wreath with a face. You can probably assume that #100: Doug does Christmas a little ... different than the other folks. You would be correct. Enter Marvin, the enchanted, decently Dougified version of the ever-so-popular holiday decoration, the wreath. This leafy fellow can talk, and likes to do quite a lot of it come December when he's hung up. With a mouth that doubles as a portal to anywhere, he is the perfect Christmas addition to the mystical bear's seemingly infinite inventory. You should see how Doug does the Christmas tree. ♪ Oh, Christmas Groot, Oh Christmas Groot ♪

#145: The Abominables

Sorry for posting late today, guys. My time was devoured by the paper beast known as homework. Okay, now to continue with the 12 Characterz of Christmas. Ladies and gentle-elves, the Abominables! One unwritten rule of the ever-expanding universe is that if you are a kid and you aren't good, come December you're getting a big fat pile of coal in your stocking, courtesy of the big man himself. But one has to ponder: where does Santa get all this coal of his? Answer: from these furry fellas. The Abominables. They're the work staff of Old Saint Nick Coal Mining Co., a pivotal branch of Santa's Workshop. Always with pickaxes in their hands and yellow tinges on their teeth, Abominables have been responsible for making naughty tikes think twice for years. Such hard workers, these guys. They don't know the meaning of the word laziness! Or shower.

#144: The Nutcrackians

Time for post number dos in the 12 Characterz of Christmas: the Nutcrackians! Nutcrackers. They help you with your snack and they have hilariously over-sized mouths. But today we're not talking about the lifeless decorations of the holiday season. We're talking little living wooden guys from Mount Struginfloosh. Long ago, these creatures were unknowingly carved from Yonderpine, a mystical tree native to the snow-blanketed region. Once carved, the nutcrackers talked, walked, and even did some fancy-pantsy jigging. Terrified, the carvers darted away at the fastest of speed, leaving them alone in Struginfloosh. Then, after a long while of figuring things out, a leader was chosen, cabins were built, and BOOSH. The teensy Provence of Nutcrackia was born. Now, governed by Lord Almondsquash and his royal cabinet, the Nutcrackians live in peace, separated from the rest of society. And freed from the responsibilities of cracking nuts for humans, as stated in the Nut-nited States Crackstitution.

#143: Xanta Klozz: Giftgiver of the Galaxy

Happy holidays, everybody! I hope you're enjoying the blog's new jollytized look. Okay, here's the first post in the 12 Characterz of Christmas: Xanta Klozz! We, as humans, are so lucky to have such a rocking holiday season. But unfortunately, the rest of the universe doesn't have all the jingle bells and whistles that planet Earth gets every December. Or, at least they used to not have them. Before Xanta came to town. Once simply an alien from the East Glimmorrian System, he heard merry tales of a bearded man and his posse of tiny guys bringing something called "joy" to a whole planet. Fascinated, he knew he could do the same. Setting up shop on the freezing planet of North Berrr, he took the name Xanta Klozz and got to work, gathering all the things he needed from across the system: elves, reindeer, a record of all the naughty and nice folks, and toys. Lots of toys. Now, Old Saint Nebula whips through space in his U.F.S (Unidentified Flying Sleigh), bringing the thing called "joy" to aliens every December. Scaly Christmas to all, and to all a glorp night!

! JOLLY ANNOUNCEMENT !

Hey, guys. Dawn your most indubitably ugly Christmas sweaters and get ready, folks! Because Jacob's Characterz! is gonna be sketching the halls this holiday season with an awesome new tradition: the 12 Characterz of Christmas! From Dec. 13th until Christmas Eve, I'm going to be sending a new post your way every day, in the spirit of the season. There will be elves. There will be Yetis. There will be Dreidels. So, come one, come all, let's bring on the merry!

#142: Sea-Nova

SUPERSTAR!!!

Recently in science class, I learned about starfish and how exceedingly awesome the little guys are. So, I figured with all those shocking abilities of theirs, they would be perfect for one thing: fighting evil. So today, I give you Sea-Nova! Long ago in 2003, a mild-mannered starfish was plucked from his life under da sea and was placed in a top-hush-hush government program known as the Weapon A (for animal, of course) Project. After being injected, mutated, taken apart and put back together again for several years, the program was axed, leaving him a freak without a cause. Until he met them. The '05s. A superhero posse so odd that he was the norm. Equipped with the starfishy abilities of limb regeneration and animal regeneration, where he can generate clones of himself from lost limbs (NOT making this up!) along with the abilities to talk, breathe out of water and fight, Sea-Nova is one of the most powerful members of the '05s. Plus, he can stick to anything. Hey, villains! Try to complete your sinister scheme with a slimy hero tightly fastened to your face!

#141: NightOwl

Now that I'm done basking in the glory of my crush Gwen Stacy possibly returning to the current Spiderman flicks, here is my new character: NightOwl! One thing I've learned from my recent shopping at Walmart is that it is home to quite the cast of colorful characters. In homage to that, I give you Mitch Turley: more-or-less normal guy by day, grown man in a child's owl hoodie fighting crime by night. Walmart being his secret hideout, he brings a stop to local do-badders, equipped with his "Owl-Croozer" shopping cart and a crushing mass of fast-food-induced weight good for squashing evil. Bad guys beware. If you hear the Herby Hancock song "Rockit" playing followed by a loud HOOT, you're done.

NEW JUPPIES

I felt that the ol' Juppies (#8, 2013) needed some sprucing up. So, I present to you Juppies: swanky 21st century edition. You gotta look snazzy while shooting through the infrastructure of space and time at rapidly increasing speeds.