BAD-OFF EPISODE VII: THE FORCE A-JAKE-ENS

Now that he has entered the record books as the first fiend to win Bad-Off twice in a row, the Man is ready to take on the Dark Vacuum of SPACE Space space. Echos are fun. May the best baddie WIIIIIN!!! *wild cheers*

REVIEW: ALICE IN WONDERLAND (2010)

Callooh! Callay! I can't believe I waited so long to watch Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. It was a wonderfully warped adventure that awesomely adapted Lewis Carroll's characters. To name a few things I liked, the visual effects were outstanding (I couldn't take my eyes off that Cheshire Cat!), the larger-than-life Johnny Depp brought the Hatter to life most excellently, and it had my new favorite movie quote: "I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are." Placed right above Maleficent as my favorite in the "Disney Reinventions" series, as I'm calling it, Alice in Wonderland was madly awesome. Also, Mia Wasikowska's Alice Kingsleigh is my new dream girl. Now... Cue futterwacken!!

#159: Luxelle Arcadus: The Hovergirl

(Zoom up to see her 8-bit-iness.)

Yesterday, I went to teach a little kid art class at my school, Parkview. All my fun-sized artists did super well and loved the blog, and I was even asked by a parent if I do parties! Also, as a bonus, I, under the name Sir Jacob the 1st, won a Snickers bar in a crazy hair contest with help from a girl named Anastasia. Guy in clapping audience: "I'M JUST CLAPPING FOR HIS NAME!" Anyway, onto a new character: Luxelle Arcadus, the Hovergirl! In the 8-Bit Kingdom (see #119, 2014), the night is ruled by sky-gliding crime fighter, the Hovergirl, as she takes out do-badders through the pixelated thoroughfares. Just one more thing: she's the princess. Luxelle has been raised amongst the snootyville society of royalty, joining her dad on boring diplomatic missions and doing whatever else it is that royal-y people do instead of watching TV and scarfing pizza. Can't blame the gal for wanting to fly away in the night and go bazerko on some thugs. Now the love interest of fellow super-avatar SkyStar (see #69, 2014), she is one of the Virtuality's greatest heroes. Post over. Sir Jacob the 1st AWAY!!!

RELEASE THE TEASER!!!!!

          As promised, my people. As promised. Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day to all!

!BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!

Attention, people of the interwebs! Make sure to stop by the blog this Martin Luther King Jr. Day to catch a teaser for my new comic book. I assure you, the trailer is not a mini-sized version of the actual trailer. I won't Ant-Man you, folks.

#158: Shellvis

I'm still getting over the Oscar's grandiose uber-snub of The LEGO Movie. Despicable Me feels your pain, brick-y brother. Anyway, it's time for my new character: Shellvis. First crawling onto the the scene in the doo-wopping 1950s, Shellvis became a bona fide crustacean sensation. Recording such hits as "Shell House Rock," "Viva Crustacean," and "Return to Shellfish," this shoreline singer went down in history as the Crab King of Rock 'n Roll. Tank you. Tank you very much.

HAPPY B-DAY, NANA!

Hey, guys. Today is a day of grand cuddliness. Why? Because it's my Nana's birthday! So, since I gave my Pampa Pampafest on his birthday, I decided it would be a crime not to do the same for her. So, ladies and gentlemen, I give you NanaMania.

#157: Jesse Allen: The Black-and-White Man

This Thursday I'm going over to Disneyland, so I've decided to get autographs from the motley crew of employees while I'm there. If you're there on that day and you see some crazy nerd getting signatures from randomly average park attendants, that's me. Guess my identity and get a free Baymax fist pump! Anyway, here is a new character: Jesse Allen, the Black-and-White Man. Running from secret agents, almost getting blasted to smithereens by ticked-off aliens, and slingshotting through the endless fabric of the JC-Verse. Just a regular week day for Jesse. Armed with stolen UNDEROO technology, this daring dimension-hopper has been on the lamb for years, earning himself the spot of #2 on the UNDEROO most wanted list right behind mafia boss Bangity-Bang-Bang McDoogan. He's convinced he got "snubbed." Leaping from reality to reality using his trusty briefcase portal, the "Black-and-White Man" always manages to be one step - and a few dimensions - ahead of his persistent government pursuers. He's even armed with a few Earthling devices, like tasers, duct tape and slap bracelets. To aliens, they might as well be witchcraft.

#156: Bagai

HUZZAH!!!

Tonight, I watch the first episode of Marvel's Agent Carter. I'm being endlessly sandwiched with mid-season television! Anyway, here's my newest character: Bagai. When it came time for me to introduce police officers into the JC-Verse, I wasn't gonna just do the doughnut-scarfing, thick-'stached law enforcer often seen in popular media. I decided to go a little ... off-book. Bottom line: he's a dragon. Bagai is a member of the FPD (Fantasy Police Department), a team of dragons, fairies, ogres and cunning rouges employed by the government in a desperate attempt to deal with the newly rising power of Stinkbad the Wizard. Hailing from the faraway land of Vancastleton, adjusting to life on good ol' American soil isn't the easiest for the law lizard and his gang. But with some help from Officer Bart Bewilderman of the NYPD, the team is working on fitting in while keeping Stinkbad at bay. Favorite modern discoveries so far: Lord of the Rings, marshmallows and loofahs (they're great for dueling).

#155: Von Smashem

Tonight, I'm watching the first episode of ♪ GAAAAALAAAAVAAAANT! ♪ It's got Weird Al and Dominic Badguy together in the same show. Throw in mutton and my brain will explode from all the epicness. Anyway, here's my first character since the Great Scanner Breakage of 2015: Von Smashem! When you join the Buttkick Society, underground fight club and bone-crushing capital of the world, you honor the #1 rule: don't talk about the Buttkick Society. This is because if you do, Von Smashem will serve your head up on a plate with a side of Blinis. He is a ravaging Russian and head honcho of the society ever since he beat the old leader, Lord Fracas (and as you can probably infer, he isn't big on all the warm and fuzzy what-nots). As strong as Hulk and twice as angry, Vlad Von Smashem's the reigning champ - and according to club rules, he will be until someone musters up enough stupidity to challenge him and is strong enough to win. "When life give you lemons, squeeze them in puny challenger's puny eyes. Bahaha!!!" -Von Smashem.

BUYING TIME! WITH JACOB

                                           Song courtesy of My Singing Monsters.


Stalling tool #2: videos with annoyingly catchy tunes. In some cases, this can make you a gazillion-aire YouTube sensation with fans across the webosphere. In more realistic cases, it can distract your readers long enough that they don't flee in boredom. Roll the footage!

FEAR NOT: EXPLAINING THE LACK OF JACOB

I would like to inform you that I have not stopped posting forever. Or gotten eaten by the Sarlacc. Or gotten kidnapped by HYDRA. Actually, my scanner broke, leaving me with no way to put another drawing on. To get all you websters by, I'll have to improvise. MacGyver some proper entertainment. Stalling tool #1: creating memes.