#94: Knucklehead

Hey, guys. Apparently I have a following in the Eastern European country of Moldova. It's only fair that I rock out to the Moldovan national anthem, Limba Noastra, before writing this post. Surprisingly empowering. Kudos to you, Moldova. Anyway, here's my new character: Knucklehead! No, really, that's his actual name. He's a synthetic handroid constructed by none other than the horrifying hog himself, Dr. Honker (see #91, 2014). Equipped with sharp reflexes, a gamma-ray in his palm and a built-in extending arm, this lethal limb swings through the city by his fingers of fear, fighting with an iron fist. Literally.

Arm damage courtesy of Zowie Cowy.

BAD-OFF!!!

Hey, guys. It's time for my all-new series of monthly polls: the BAD-OFFS! Two JC-Verse baddies thrown into the ring for the right to be crowned BADDEST (and for the sake of our amusement). It's somewhat like Thunderdome, only a tiny person won't be riding on one of their backs. As tempted as I am to see that now.

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#93: Al G.: Guardian on a Tree

Here's my new character: Al G., guardian on a tree. Meshloc National Park may look perfectly normal at first glance, but deep within its green forest is a powerful entity of mythological origins called the WOOSHIDOO. (Don't let its Teletubbies-esque name fool you, the stuff could fry your head off.) The Overlords of Mythlihood needed a way to keep this dangerous weapon away from innocent rangers and tourists. What better way to do that than with some talking moss named Al. So now, the watchdog fung-guy sits on a sitsomore tree, keeping the WOOSHIDOO safe from all life around it. Even talking bears hungry for pic-a-nic baskets. Parks are just crawling with those.

#92: The Illuminotsomuch

I'm so sorry for taking a week off, guys. So, what better way to make up for that than conspiracy theories and pyramid-heads. Here are my new characters: the Illuminotsomuch! Mysterious and controversial, the Illuminati have been popularly used in novels, conspiracy theories, movies and a Weird Al song that is currently engraved into my brain. But what the world doesn't know is that beneath the streets of Hoboken (it's always Hoboken) lies a secret society sooo secret, that they barely have any members. Yeah. That's why. Headed by their triangle-headed master called "St3ve," the Illuminotsomuch lurk in the shadows, vying for the global rise of a New Jersey Order, orchestrating such events as the Great Cheezos Shortage of 2009 and Jersey Shore. Plus, not realizing their salute looks like "double-loser." Hoboken. See, this is why we listen to Skipper the Penguin.

#91: Zowie Cowy

Yeah, the picture you see before you could use some proper explaining. Here's a new post: Zowie Cowy! Pink, purple and hobo sacking her careless caboose across the furry yonder of Animaland, Zowie Cowy isn't what you'd call an ideal hero. But when she and her swine accomplice, Piggy Bounceebounce (that one's all on ye old Mustache Ninja), defeated the dastardly Dr. Honker and were accidentally ZOOMED to Planet Earth, the cow found herself in such a role. Now in the furless hands of human siblings Jacob and Abby (Oh yes! We're in this one!), Zowie battles the crazed doc and his army of Honkdroids (patent pending, Honker Industries) while munching tacos in the great city of Anaheim, CA. Not at the same time, of course. She's a cow. Not an octopus.

TOP TO BOTTOM: Dr. Honker, the always-hungry rodent Fruffer, Abby, Zowie (armed with her Quantum Crystal), Piggy and me. (And the grinning bafoon you see diving into the white abyss is Sid Clatowski.)

#90: The Gizmo

I'm gonna be making fun of Rising Star in a few minutes, so let's make this quick: The Gizmo! If you stopped by the ol' Verizon store to check out the latest doohickeys and such, you would never expect nerdy tech specialist Dave to have anything more than the power of pocket protection. Think again, random consumer. Think a-GAIN. Because when night falls upon the Sunny Sun strip mall, he transforms into the oober-charged Gizmo, tech protector, zapping baddies with an outlet on his fanny. He's keeping justice at 100%.

#89: The Illustr8tor

Hey guys, here's my newest character: the Illustr8tor (villains can have hip name spellings, too). Imagine a super villain. You're probably thinking big, scary, and backed-up with weapons galore -- and go ahead and slap a handlebar mustache on the guy, what the hey. But in this case, the dastardly fiend is quite the opposite. Lynus Stoodmocker: nerd-turned-dark-side comic artist. Armed with a mystical pencil capable of bringing any drawing to life, the once-wedgied weirdo has any horrid threat he can sketch up fight the fights for him, while he watches from the comfort of his mystery lair. He's like Darth Stan Lee.

#88: The Jaded Ferrets

Hey, guys. Hands being as lend-able as they are, I decided to help out my close friend and Marvel fanatic, The Filminator (Elizabeth), by jump-starting her franchise on my blog. So, ladies and gentlemen, the Jaded Ferrets! Not long ago in a JC-Verse far, far away, a group of average nobodies (no offense, Elizabeth) became big somebodies when a space ferret named Foster crash-landed in their backyard. He said that his masters chose them to save the universe from various evil-doers. So now, they're the Filminator, the Fishing Baboon, Vitaman, the Ferret Seeker (she REALLY wants a ferret) the Night of Columbus and the Grading Hornet, protecting the people and furballs of Earth in swanky orange duds. As far as rodent-themed heroes go, they're right up there with #60: The Mighty Myron!

#87: Jimmy Talon

Okay, here's a new character: Jimmy Talon. Ladies and gentlemammals, live from Studio T (for tree of course) in New Stork City, it's Nightfall Starring Jimmy Talon! With help from the incredible Hoots band, Jimmy Talon and his faithful side(of bacon)kick Piggins tell pop culture jokes, go through the suggestion nest and have guests such as the controversial platypus, tackling the topic of his duck-beaver ambiguity --  not to mention the misconception that he doesn't do much. Hoo Hoo Hoo HOOOO! (P.S. I'd like to mention that this was a collaborative effort. I came up with the original concept and the Hoots, the Mustache Ninja came up with his name and Materna-tron came up with Piggins and got me on the road to the Hoots.)