#192: Diomedes: Social Media Menace

     Okay, here's my new character: Diomedes! (This one's a little scary, and not just because it's about social media.) Nowadays, everywhere you look, youngins are staring at some sort of tech. Well, if you were a diabolical ancient entity, wouldn't you find a way to take advantage of this? Well, Diomedes sure did. Thousands of years old, this spirit feeds on people's life energy and has devoured an endless array of civilizations throughout history. So now, he's hungry, and has created a malicious new plot involving taking the form of one of the world's most terrifying things: a trendy social network. Diomedes.com has taken form, and once a saggy-pants tweenybopper creates an account on it, they sign over their very soul and chi to ol' Diomedes himself. #WorldDominationYall

#191: Sir Dashington Floyd

     Hey, guys. A couple nights ago, I saw the first of the new Star Trek films. It was great, but the most entertaining part of the night was my Trekkie mom totally geeking out watching it. Now, here is a new character: Sir Dashington Floyd! Why in the 9999 dimensions of the JC-Verse would a fellow voluntarily ride atop an asteroid through space? Because he's boss. Like, really boss. So it only makes sense that Sir Dashington Floyd, the man seen below, is know by many as "the Boss." Born to the tyrannical royal family of the Floydian System, he was always the white sheep in the family and therefore was shunned. But after saving a young Barglebee (the big one at the bottom of this pic) from being stuck in a grade-A sticky nearby bog, he became fascinated with the Outerling species and decided they needed a real home. So after setting up shop on the faraway planet of Earth, Dashington created the Outerling Society, and traveled the JC-Verse picking up new Outerlings to adopt. And he's got an accent. Why? Because. He's. Boss.

So boss.

#190: The Tortoise & The Hare: Post-Apocalyptic Edition

     Here's my new pair of characters dedicated to the Mustache Ninja: Tortoise Evershell & Hare Cottenbee! Years into the future, in the post-apocalyptic animal kingdom of Pawnem, there is a tradition practiced every year: the Fable Games. One critter from each class is chosen to compete in a deadly race filled with obstacles of all kinds. Only one animal makes it out alive, and they win a humongous stash of treats for their whole class. Paw-picked by fancy-pantsy poodle Fluffy Trinket, these critters end up battling it out until only two remain: Tortoise Evershell & Hare Cottenbee. Who will win? Who will lose?? Find out when The Fable Games hits a totally fictional theater near you! (Part of me hopes that the mutts that looked like dead tributes in The Hunger Games are a bunch of humans with animal faces in this version . . .)

#189: The Spark

     Now, in the spirit of Ant-Man, here is a new super-powered character: Roy Jerrick: the Spark. A revolution always starts with a spark that catches fire and becomes an inferno, whether that spark is Katniss or Ylvis. But when it comes to the superheroes of the JC-Verse, that all literally started with the Spark. There are many conflicting stories of how Roy acquired his heat wave manipulation powers. Some say he was a spaceman from the Sun, the others say he was part of some sort of experiment by the big boys up in the U.S. Government. Regardless of how it happened, after he did his first public act of heroism in 1952, all the powered people of the world came/flew/teleported out of the woodwork and began their mass mission of justice. He was a trailblazer, and even after his Earhart-esque disappearance in the '70s, his spirit still lives on in the bazillions who go out there everyday trying to make things right. We need one of those "I was a _____ before it was cool" shirts for him.

CLICK TO ENLARGE

#188: The Outerlings

    Yesterday, I saw Ant-Man! It was quite awesome, and not just because it referenced Spider-Man for the first time. Which it did. Reference Spider-Man. For the first time ever. *big squeal* Anywhosers, time for a new post: the Outerlings! The universe contains many baffling oddities - the Pyramids, crop circles, Joe Biden - but it seems one of the biggest ones out there isn't even within the universe. Outerlings, as they're called, are born outside existence, in the thin white limbo that surrounds space. With living things not meant to inhabit this region, they are shot back into the universe, landing in some random dimension. Where do they go from there? A snappily dressed, reality-surfing bloke comes and picks them up of course! This fancy lad happens to be Dashington Floyd, leader of the sacred Outerling Society deep in the European lands. There, these universal misfits spend their days hanging out together and occasionally venturing out into the rest of the world. One Outerling has even received a certain level of infamy after going on a venture to North America and having his picture taken.

CLICK TO ENLARGE

#187: SnowyOwl

     Guess who had two thumbs and had two swollen hands a couple days ago? *points to self* But fear not, for it led me to come up with a few pretty good swelling of the hand jokes. Okay, Here's a new character: SnowyOwl! Swanders University, in the big cold-as-heck apple known as NYC, is a school for exceptional talent. But when it comes to Daffodil Davis, the whole "exceptional" thing was brought to a whole new level. Originally an abstract artist, Davis would spend her days observing/drawing the folks around her, for she found people very interesting. - especially in a place like New York, with everyone from mad cabbies to Time Square Batmen. But she went from being the observer to the observed after acquiring inhuman fighting abilities and night-vision from an encounter with Hullabaloonium. She was pretty frightened of the power she had. But luckily, the young hipster pulled herself together and was recruited by a certain bird-based vigilante: Mitch Turley himself! Now she flings around the city, punching up baddies - in the most peaceful way possible - as NightOwl's East Coast counterpart. She's kinda a mashup of Luna Lovegood and Spider-Woman.

A FUNNY PIC FROM A FUNNY GUY ON A FUNNY BLOG.

     Hey, guys. I've gone on a lot of Marvel-related articles lately, mostly during my period of speculating insanity in the month before they finally announced the new Spider-Man. While doing this, I have observed different types of fans throughout the articles' comment sections - and now I shall share a few of them with you. Through the magic of my Paint program.

#185 & #186: Sid & Fruffer

     ANT MAN IS OUT TODAY!!!!!!!! I hope the mysterious end scene lives up to all the hype *cough* Spider-Man *cough* or I will be very disappointed. Okay, now onto my new-ish characters: Sid & Fruffer! Life-long friendships can begin in the weirdest of places. In this case, that weird place is a dumpster outside of Peto's Restaurant/Superstore. Canadian-American slacker extreme Sid Clatowski found Fruffer while diving for trash treasures when he was 10, and the two have been inseparable ever since. While they may lack in traditional smarts, the duo have reached unfathomable levels on Quasar Crushers and are straight-up experts on unseen monsters like Big Foot and the Loch Ness Monster. Not to mention they're probably the main reason Pizza Hut is in business. Plus, it would appear their years of underachieving payed off in spades since they're now official sidekicks/comic relief to Zowie Cowy. They're kinda like Bill and Ted if Ted had fleas. Most excellent! *air guitar solo*

#184: Remi: Multiversal Lord of the Fangirls

     Ladies and gentlemen, Remi, multiversal lord of the fangirls! Long ago, Remi Roberts was an average specimen of the fangirl species (feminam obsessium), writing bizarre fanfics based on non-canonical web shippings, and pinning everything with Peeta in it. Then it happened. The incident. The one where her laptop was endowed with the powers of summoning and utilizing any character across the fandom spectrum, also known as the GRRRCC. (That stands for John Green, J.K. Rowling, Rick Riordan, Veronica Roth, Suzanne Collins and Benedict Cumberbatch, because you fangirls would kill me if I left him out of this post.) Atop her trusty steed, Hiddles the Horse, this somewhat anime-haired hero fights the Society of Selfie-Taking Popular People, and their maniacal plot to conquer the planet in 140 characters or less. (Special thanks to my sister for giving me all I needed to know on the world of fangirls, from Superwholocks to the oddity of Drapple. Props, sis.)

(No, I did not get the idea for Hiddles from a fever dream.)

#183: Inspector Snoopabout Cranston

     Yesterday, I went to my sister's Ugly Duckling ballet at a big old fancy theater. She played one of the bluejays throwin' some serious shade at the titular duckling. Anyway, time for my new character: Inspector Snoopabout Cranston! Sometimes a mystery is so hard to solve that boring old logic must be thrown out the window and absolute absurdity must be employed. But besides Mabel Pines and Richard Castle, who do you call when you need pure silly person logic for the job? Why, Snoopabout Cranston of the Agency of Bumbling Sleuths, of course! With a ridic demeanor present from his bendy legs up to his stache, this defective detective is the best the agency can offer. To request his services, call his number now! Literally, call out the number 7 and the guy just drops from the sky right next to you. Told ya. Best in his field.

(Eat your heart out, Clouseau.)

#182: Darrell the Hiking Viking

     Now that I've taken a break from speculating about how an Avengers/X-Men movie could make canonical sense, here's my new character: Darrell. Yeah, he's a hiking viking. How exactly does a sea-dwelling viking end up traveling by foot across the foresty yonder, you ask? If his boat gets ripped apart by a certain jerky sea monster, that's how. Large aquatic beasts have no regard for other people's property. With no choice but to trek by land, Darrell found himself on a journey of self discovery, deeply pondering if there was a better way to life than trading and raiding. They may be Scandinavian heathens, but they can be deep if they want to, man. They've got brains under those pointy horned hats.

Bunny: "Uh . . . are you the new bear that just moved in down the path, or . . ."

#181: Nate Pate: Fantastical Lifeform

     #181. Awesome. Ah, how a simple palindrome can light up your day! Now, for a new character: Nate Pate. There are plenty of different types of Fantastical Lifeforms in the JC-Verse. There are Mutants, Avatars, Animalanders, whatever the heck this guy is, etc. But some times, it's just an average human born with unearthly powers. Enter this winged wonder. Nate Pate, 26 years of age, was basically a human dragon, equipped with wings, retractable claws, and a fire-breathing reflex. Imagine what high school was like for the kid. But his father, Marshall Pate, didn't judge him like many did to FLs at the time, and loved him dearly. With powers like those, the music-loving young man had the potential to become a hero for the ages - until he was recruited for the Zuax mission. He and his assigned team were abandoned by the agency on said mission, being left to surely die in the dangerous Zuax Dimension. I know. Downer. But who says a dimension deadly to the average person couldn't be inhabited by a non-average person? Hmmm. Possibilities . . .

#180: Aladdin: Year 2120

     Okay, time for an idea I've been toying around with for a while now: Aladdin, year 2120! (You're welcome, fan theorists.) Everyone knows the classic Disney tale of a street rat, a princess, and a blue impersonator with cramped living conditions. It's one of the best things made in the '90s besides "Taco Grande" by Weird Al and, according to my sister, Josh Hutcherson. It's hard for people to imagine Aladdin any other way. So I did it for you. Enter hoverboard carpets and genetically engineered monkeys! After infiltrating a top-secret facility known as the Cave, homeless young Aladdin acquires GENIE, an artificial intelligence system imbedded in an itty-bitty lamp. With the program able to instantly materialize anything, Al makes himself a loaded politician in order to nab the attention of Jasmine, sheltered daughter of the techy Agrabah district's governor. Aladdin has all the power in the world - but if sinister Jafar and his genetically altered parrot have anything to say about it, said power won't be his for long. *dramatic score*

#179: Tortoise

     Happy 4th of July, people of the interwebs! So far, today has been a day of Saturday Night Live, Twilight Zone and stuffing our faces. Yep, America is great. Okay, time for a new character: Tortoise! 66-year-old UNDEROO agent Marshall Pate was a man of black and white beliefs when it came to "the man." So when his son, highly gifted FL (Fantastical Lifeform) Nate Pate, was offered to take part in an UNDEROO mission to the Zuax Dimension, Marshall figured he was in good hands. But his beliefs were then flipped on their heads. When the mission was completed, the agency abandoned Nate and the other FLs in Zuax. That's when Marshall lost it. Furious at the agency and especially its leader Robert Spyser, the high-ranking field agent stole a highly experimental "shell" of living metal from the lab and took off to the rough climate outside the base. The Tortoise was born. Fun fact: this oldie renegade ranks #3 on the UNDEROO most wanted list. Dude made the top 3! Can he get a WHAT WHAAAT?!

BADDIE-BOWL: A WINNER HAS BEEN WINNERATIZED

     Callooh callay! The official Bad-Off Baddie-Bowl champion has been chosen! It was a toughy. Blows a plenty were thrown. But ZOO'OZ, the putrid and powerful Doom Lord of Quazen'abi, has beaten out Vacuum Jack for the title of BADDEST! *triumphant music* Vac tried his worst, but it would've been hard for any villain to dethrone such a horned and horrendous dictator. Props, Z-man. Props indeed. As the metaphorical sun sets on the Bad-Off battlefield, we say adiós to the competition until it rears it's awesomely ugly head once again. Toon in next season for the Jacob's Characterz! BAD-OFF! Bad-Off. bad-off. bad-off. bad-off. PS, apologies for not giving the video that was promised. Production fell through. But fear not, for ZOO'Oz isn't ending this thing with a simple "see ya later." He'll be in his own victory video . . .